


Poison

by arixng



Category: D.Gray-man
Genre: Angst, Hanahaki Disease, Hurt/Comfort, Laviyuu Week 2018, M/M, canonverse, weak kanda but there's a reason for that
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-27
Updated: 2018-03-27
Packaged: 2019-04-13 15:39:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,065
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14115525
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/arixng/pseuds/arixng
Summary: He didn’t want to know. Didn’t want to accept.But no matter how much he tried to ignore the thought plaguing his mind, he couldn’t ignore the ache in his throat. As if everything was threatening to...spill out.





	Poison

**Author's Note:**

> Day 2: Fog | Vague, Out Of Reach, Mystery, Eerie, Secrets
> 
> 花吐き- an illness where the patient throws up and coughs out flower petals when they suffer from one-sided love.

He didn’t know when it all started. When suddenly everything was red and emerald, and fake smiles which he could read through. He didn’t know when his chest started to feel tight every time he’s with that person. Or when he’s alone in his own room, in the dark of night. He didn’t know-

No. It wasn’t that. 

He didn’t want to know. Didn’t want to accept. 

But no matter how much he tried to ignore the thought plaguing his mind, he couldn’t ignore the ache in his throat. As if everything was threatening to... _spill_ _out._

Pink petals lay on the floor below him, glowing under the light of the moon. Kanda’s throat burned. 

x

He didn’t know when it all started. When suddenly long dark ink, stormy blue, and deep frowns started to hide away from his sight. He didn’t know when that familiar figure would turn into nothing but a blur moving away from his vision. As if it was running away. 

The rational side of him is telling him that something is off. Something was wrong. But the free-spirited and lax side of his persona is telling him that it was always this way. Nothing new, nothing different from Kanda’s usual avoidant personality. He  _ has  _ always been the object of his avoidance. It was merely a change in frequency. 

The only thing he was able to definitely conclude is that: by now, Lavi thinks, he shouldn’t be so surprised at Kanda’s unpredictable nature. 

x

 

 

 

The mission was exhausting. Destruction there, akuma over there, death everywhere, too many to count. Too many he can’t mourn for. 

Escaping from the bookman was the first thing he does when they get back to the order. He tells him to go ahead to Komui’s to do his report. He’s feeling unwell, he tells him. That he needs to lay down and rest or he’ll black out. It isn’t a full lie. He knows the bookman knows this half lie too. But he wonders why he doesn’t say anything, about how the reality is that he needs to lay down to compose himself to shut off the sounds of terrified cries, the stink of decay, and the image of blood and ash and all that should remain as nightmares. 

Walking down the dim halls to his and bookman’s quarters, he stops before his hand reaches to open the door. The sound of another door opening a few rooms away catches his attention. Blue eyes meet his’, but the usual repulsed reaction from the man doesn’t come. He slaps on his persona as he approaches him but he doesn’t miss the faltering in Kanda’s form. He doesn’t miss the well-concealed surprise in his face and the hand moving back to grip on the doorknob of his own room. He doesn’t miss the dismissiveness in the other man’s behavior later on when he chatters away. And he doesn’t miss the dreary blues choosing to look at the hallway behind him. All of these things, Lavi pretends not to notice. 

It was a mistake broiling into a collapse he didn’t see coming. 

x

The next time he notices it is a few days later in northern France. From the time they meet again in the chief’s office, up to the end of their duty, Lavi still cannot fathom the mystery that is Kanda. The debriefing of their mission and the inevitability of their partnership increased the strange tension between them. He could feel the ominous glare of the other man behind his back when they’re partnered together, despite having done this a hundred of times. 

He thought that by the time they’re covered in blood and sweat, they’d be back to their regular dynamic. But even a bookman cannot accurately predict the man fighting level threes feets away from him. The plan was stupid and pulling them to death’s grasp. Lavi would fight off the level one and twos. Kanda would fight and kill himself again with the level threes. They didn’t have the time to argue when the akumas were multiplying from all directions, so Lavi just prayed to a god he didn’t know that Kanda knew what he was doing. 

At the end of it all, Lavi bitterly spits out the blood in his mouth and waits for the smoke of disintegrated debris to clear. The familiar dark figure stood at the center in solitary, body visibly rising and collapsing from the deep breaths he was taking. Blood trickled down his face, but even through the crimson he could see the piercing blues glistening with the bloodlust coursing through his veins. 

He calls the man from where he stood, but no reaction comes. Forcing his legs to move forward, Lavi approaches the worn out figure and scans for the crucial injuries. His eye is instantly captured by the large gash on his side. He calls him again but the man seems to be in a trance from his moments close to death. So cautiously, like handling a bomb in his hands, he clutches onto the man’s shoulders and lowers his voice. 

_ “Yuu?” _

The man’s eyes widen at the low voice before him and from the realization of their proximity. The shoulders under his grasp start to shake before they’re gone from his hold. Kanda retreats and hides through the smoke, disappearing to a place Lavi couldn’t see. 

From where he stood, Lavi could hear pained coughs and retching. 

x

The words of the head chief pass right through him when they’re both back in headquarters. He knows it’s the same for the swordsman standing a feet away from him. They were reckless and stupid and too ready to jump into a tug of war between life and death. Knowing that both young men weren’t listening to him -they’ve been told this too many times-  Komui sighs and dismisses them. Lavi almost feels bad for the man. 

“What was that all about Yuu?” Lavi asks as soon as both of them were out of the room. Kanda sends a weak glare his way and turns around to head back to his room. 

If there was one explanation Lavi could create regarding Kanda’s audacity to come up with such a reckless strategy, it was so that Kanda wouldn’t have to see him. Maybe it was so they’d never cross paths in their road to death. 

x

Months have passed since the bloodshed in France. And the more the days go by, the more he feels the swordsman blotting like ink he could no longer comprehend. 

He tries tracing back to a memory where Kanda started to turn into a shadow slipping through his sight. But even doing so wouldn’t give him the faintest idea of  _ what  _ made things the way they were. The change in the man’s demeanor was subtle for everyone but the bookmen to notice. Another realization that dawned on him was that Kanda only evaded  _ him.  _ The questions were tumultuous in his head -what, when, why _? _

_ Why? _

He didn’t understand his own  _ attraction  _ to the exorcist. For him to be invested in a person he could not even officially label as a friend, who was completely enigmatic and constructed by murky waters….

Bookman would be so furious. Lavi laughs at the irony of it all. He knows of the gears working in Bookman’s head every time he’s in the presence of the swordsman. Even Lavi himself had endless questions in need of answers.  But a part of him doesn’t want the bookman side of him to handle the situation. He doesn’t want Kanda to evade him any more than he does. 

 

x

The next time they meet, Lavi doesn’t let the chance to slip past him. 

Wooden chopsticks held listlessly in lithe fingers picked on cold noodles, but the amount remained untouched. Nearly half an hour has passed since Lavi joined the older man for lunch. The exorcist’s expression darkened when he sat in front of him. He was through with his second plate, but the sight of Kanda’s reluctance to take one mere bite was diminishing his appetite. Moving his plate away, Lavi rests his chin on his palm and sighs. 

“That’s not going to disappear if you don’t start, Yuu.” 

Kanda finally looks up, but his gaze is immediately averted to the side. For the past few days he had seen him, it had become a recurring habit. Just like how Kanda seemed to speak less, the words coming from Lavi’s mouth simply flying by him. 

Lavi shouldn’t care. But he didn’t like it. 

Although another thing he didn’t like was the recent physical change in Kanda’s appearance. He was a bit paler -thinner, even. And the darkness in and under his eyes were like staring into a lifeless void he didn’t want to venture into. He remembers having his attention brought to flushed and soft looking lips when they were both close enough. All he sees right now are pale and dried lips, bitten every moment Kanda looks apprehensive and wanting to walk away. 

When Kanda doesn’t raise the chopsticks up to his mouth, Lavi coerces him by taking his hand and moving it for him. He didn’t expect a response so violent. As if Kanda was burnt, he jerks his hand away from Lavi’s grasp. Chopsticks clatter loudly on the marbled floor. 

Abruptly, the long haired man stands from his seat and disappears like he always do.

x

The man barely leaves his room unless necessary. Lenalee soon starts to notice and that’s when Lavi realizes the magnitude of Kanda’s change. Being the concerned friend he’s intended to be, he knocks on the exorcist’s door and calls for his attention. He has done it plenty of times that week. At day. At night. But all he is answered with is silence. 

Lenalee must have told Allen about it as well, but the parasitic exorcist already sensed the peculiarity of the situation even before the news. He’s done the same as Lavi but to no significant results. According to the younger two, Kanda would respond to Lavi the best out of the three of them. And somehow, he knew that from the start. 

Lavi could conclude that there was no grey area for Kanda’s response to his offer of help. Either he fixes him or breaks him. And the latter was more likely because Kanda yuu was already too broken to be fixed the moment he was born -or rather, created- in this wretched world. The perfect fix would probably have to come about from  complete destruction -from death, Lavi thought darkly. 

But maybe, Lavi could fix even just a small crack in the broken man. Though the only way that could be possible is if Kanda would let him in. If Kanda would come out of the fog he always hid in. 

On another night of reclusivity, Lavi lays awake on his bed, mind restless and tormented by questions. The late hours of the night is pulling out the irrational and careless corner of his mind. That’s why his body moves on its own, exiting the shared room with as much caution and silence to not wake the bookman. 

He lets his feet take him to the other end of the hall, to a door he has become too familiar of facing. He knows it’s useless. At this time of the night, the man at the other side has usually fallen asleep. And tonight shouldn’t be an exception. 

Shifting his footing to return to his quarters, he stops when he hears a pained sound. He hears the same sound from months ago, in the aftermath of a battle clouded with dust, debris, and nearing death. Just like before, from where he stood, Lavi could hear pained coughs and retching. But to a degree more worrying. 

“Yuu?” He knocks on the door and calls. The sound stops but only for a brief moment. “Yuu, open the door and let me in.” He knocks on the door again, with enough force to show urgency but enough not to awaken those nearby. 

“Yuu-!” The door abruptly opens and a figure nearly slams into him. He wraps his arms around a body that has become thinner than the last time he remembered, not allowing him to escape. Kanda, looking both worn out and agitated, writhes in Lavi’s firm hold and claws at the arms around his waist. But at his weakened state, Lavi finds it too easy to not let go.

“Calm down- what’s gotten into you?” He asks. Kanda glares weakly through his bangs. His skin is pale even under the dim lighting. The skin under his eyes are darkened. And his face has gone gaunt with the cheekbones being a bit more prominent. Lavi could feel Kanda’s wild heartbeat with their chests pressed together, body rising up and down with each quick breath he takes. “...let go, Lavi..or I’ll-” It was too late. Kanda stills in Lavi’s arms. For a moment of respite too quick, too soon to end. 

With a sharp gasp, Kanda gags violently, fingernails digging through Lavi’s shirt to his back. His body turns limp and his hands shoot up to cover his mouth. When another loud and terribly pained heave echoes through the hall, Lavi brings him back into his room and shuts the door. “Yuu, tell me. What’s going on?” Kanda’s legs loose support and he drops to the ground, one hand clutching his chest and the other covering his mouth. His hair is curtaining whatever expression he had. The sounds he was making and the vulnerability in his form was enough for Lavi to deduce what state he is in. He drops to his knees as well and hovers over Kanda’s body. Carefully, he combs Kanda’s hair away to better see his face, taking in the sight of furrowed eyebrows and tight shut eyes. The ends of his long lashes were wet from the force of his gags. From Kanda’s sickness, Lavi thought the reason he even opened the door was so that he could rush to the bathroom. Not to answer him. 

Lavi’s heart stops when the next wave of coughs and gags sound wet. Dark crimson trickles down from Kanda’s hand, dripping to the cold hard floor. The hand on his mouth is forced to let go. It was too much. He couldn’t keep it in any longer. He couldn’t hide anymore. 

Kanda slips out a small sound close to a whimper. Delicate pink lotus petals, stained with red, red blood lay on the floor between the two of them. Lavi doesn’t miss the shame and agony in Kanda’s glistening eyes. The man hides his face on his knees and his nails dig into his scalp. It was the weakest he had ever seen Kanda. And he decided he wouldn’t want to see him this way again. 

He picks up a petal that isn’t stained with too much blood. It was soft, and beautiful. It was nonthreatening. It was something that wouldn’t come from within Kanda and spewed out. Or rather, something that shouldn’t. 

All the days that have passed where Kanda didn’t leave his room...was this the reason why?  _ How long has this been going? How long does he intend to keep it hidden? How often do the petals disgorge out from his throat? How much pain does he feel? Why does this happen to him?  _

_ What made you weak, Kanda Yuu? _

So many questions, and yet Lavi wouldn’t ask a single one. 

Kanda jumps and brings his hands back to cover his mouth, signalling another round of pain and torture. Lavi wraps his arms around the trembling man and pries Kanda’s hands away from his mouth. He watches as the lotus petals are forced out of pale and chapped lips, Kanda’s expression turning even sickly than he thought possible. Lavi catches the petals on his palm and throws it to the side, away from their sight. But it’s when his eye leaves Kanda that he fully takes in the condition of the room they’re in. The same ethereal pink petals lay scattered everywhere on the floor. A corner held a bunch of what could have been plucked from a small pond of lotus flowers. And then there were petals scattered messily on other places, as if Kanda had gotten tired of fixing a mess that could never be fixed anyway. 

A hand clutches on his sleeve and Lavi pries his eye away from Kanda’s room. 

_ Make it stop _ , Kanda says, voice hoarse and painful to listen to. 

_ Make it stop, make it stop,  _ make it stop!

If only he knew how, then Lavi would gladly make it stop. But there were things even bookmen cannot put their finger on. Things that even they cannot grasp. 

“How can I help?” He asks. He doesn’t know how to ease the pain Kanda is suffering through. He doesn’t know how to properly handle Kanda in his condition. But even just a little bit. He wants to lift him from his anguish even just a little bit. 

And Kanda, tired of the torment in his heart and throat, wanted the same too. Even if it was just temporary. Even if after all this, everything between them could collapse into dust. 

Kanda lifts his unsteady hands to Lavi’s cheeks. Lavi sees the small tremble in Kanda’s lip, and the eyes set on his neck then hesitating to rise to his lips. Then the man closes his eyes and slowly leans in, pressing his chapped lips onto his. 

Even the slightest chance to clear the flowers suffocating him, he would take it. Even the slightest chance a kiss would temporarily wash the petals away, he would take it. He had no other options left anyway. Because no matter what he would do, he could never be loved back by the bookman who could clear the poisoned garden in his heart. 

 

x

 

x

 

x

 

Even the slightest chance to clear the flowers suffocating Kanda, Lavi would take it. Even the slightest chance a kiss would temporarily wash the petals away, Lavi would take it. He cared about Kanda even more than what the man most likely thought. Hell, he cared for Kanda even more than he himself had initially thought. But before anything, what Lavi needed from Kanda was to put a little more trust and faith in him. 

**Author's Note:**

> This sounded better in my head when I thought of it but I just couldn't put things into words. Hopefully it's okay and not too vague?   
> Oh and if I miss some tags or warning please do comment!


End file.
